Toys Now Have Hidden Agenda

By JL Strickland

Of all the sinister threats facing Americans today, the most outrageous is the possibility of a hideous death at the hands of a Tickle-Me Elmo.

Recently, the health of American consumers has been jeopardized by imported poisoned toothpaste, poisoned pet food, poisoned Homo sapiens food and now Sesame Street figures and other toys contaminated with lead paint.

Apparently, Homeland Security was asleep at the switch when these companies started importing diabolical merchandise from the Osama R Us Toy Company.

Years ago, children were warned about BB guns because they might put their eye out. Now they're warned about "Thomas the Tank" because they might get liver or kidney damage and require dialysis.

I.E.D.'s are bad enough, but no one was prepared to deal with P.T.B.'s -- poisoned teddy bears!

Mattel, who has recalled a million toys saturated with lead paint, is scrambling to improve its image. For the upcoming Christmas season, "Barbie's Dream House" will be equipped with a poison-control center. Barbie and Ken will be wearing stylish hazmat outfits.

Anyone who purchased one of the lethal toys should just wait a few days before returning the sinister merchandise. Then they can save gas by returning their tainted toothpaste, pet food, fish, green beans and toys with one trip.

(Consumer advocates say Americans who stocked up on that lethal baby milk should not worry. The infant formula can be used as anti-freeze in their cars.)

Unsuspecting buyers have purchased 300,000 lead-laced toys and taken them home. The questionable dolls can only be identified by a small, usually missing tag, which warns: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR DAMAGE TO NERVOUS SYSTEMS OR INTERNAL ORGANS.

Consumers who are not sure they bought an unhealthy item should put the questionable toy in the cage with their canary for a few days and see what happens. Unless they bought an imported Chinese canary, then who knows what ailment the bird is suffering from already.

This is no laughing matter. All this dangerous merchandise on the shelves poses a real dilemma for concerned mothers and fathers. For a while, children might be safer if parents just bought the kiddies a six-pack and a carton of cigarettes.

American society has seen radical changes during recent decades. But who could have imagined something like this -- toddlers playing with their new toys while wearing a respirator and rubber gloves?

There is only one thing that could possibly be scarier than deadly food and contaminated kid toys: poisoned cell phones. If we should take delivery of poisoned cell phones, it could be the end of American society, as we know it.

Not to mention the total collapse of "The American Idol" voting system.

People should Write or call their elected representative and demand that Washington take immediate action to protect our children from hazardous, booby-trapped toys.

They could even suggest that all suspect imported toys be quarantined in the Oval Office for a month or so. After all, it is not being used for any other beneficial purpose.